I feel like every day is Friday the 13th lately. Since the Living and Learning Conference a few weeks ago, I started crying a lot, normally I don't cry, and I don't like it. Something's going on with me, and I don't understand it. This panicky feeling is here and it's continuously coming up, so now what? Feelings, they are unfamiliar territory.
Besides that underlying current of tears, there's a lot else happening, so much that I am not getting to the computer to write and decompress. I was really
LOVING Dangerous Mines [which is Minesweeper with exploding jewels and pixie dust], I am glad the 2 week trial has expired and it's over. Now on to other things.
Also, there's Eric's fears about unschooling, he wants the kids in school again. He gets weird each fall, and says there's no proof of learning ["I cannot tell if the kids are learning, what have they learned"], structure ["kids
need rules set by responsible parents"], comparison ["when I was a kid... and other kids do/ don't like our kids"] and criticism about everything, especially about me. He begins an ugly slide, I can easily remember this cycle because his birthday is Oct 19, and by this time in the fall, I resent him so much that I cannot celebrate his birthday.
This year I feel clearer and stronger, so I spoke about my ideas differently while defending my stances on parenting, responsibility, and the future. These are frustrating talks, I find no solace in argument.
We are all still having fallout issues from living with Eric's grandmother 2 years ago. Kaden and Riley feel it the most, and we re-hashed some of the worst experiences today at lunch. We lost our footing, and haven't healed yet. I was afraid to reveal this negative stuff, but keeping silent seems to preserve pain.
Shea has been going through something of an epiphany, a shift. He said he understands math/ addition better today, he's been avoiding math and anything resembling math. I understand his avoidance, and really get his fear: wanting to appear smart, he appears stupid asking for help. I said it's the opposite, but he won't be convinced. Anyway, we talked about numbers and what they represent, how the are meaningful. That correlation made all the difference, his fear is gone today.
Kaden continues to be intense, quick and brilliant, yet out of sync and out of control. This kid is a true challenge. I love him, though wish he was easier. The tantrums and noise REALLY affect the rest of us!
Riley is back to taking naps in his bed, probably because he is tired of falling asleep in the car and missing fun stuff. If he takes a nap at home, he knows we can plan outings around his nap and he feels happier. He was watching an Arthur cartoon about the Terrible Tibbles who have stereotypically bad behavior, and something in the show struck him. He saw himself on tv, it was a rude awakening. I feel really good about Riley, my heart melts for him.
