Now I get what Schuyler said, it wasn't about me at all...

After reading the post Schuyler wrote many times and fearing the worst about myself being the most negative person I know, there is a relief in knowing I am NOT who she was writing about. I am a pretty positive person though I know the last 10 years have been very up and very down, especially the last 3 years. My original family, the one I was born into, has been a painful group to live with, there was/ is much fighting and struggle, like any dysfunctional 1st generation Korean family. My understanding is that Asian families allow for domestic abuse in its aggressive male dominant structure. This may or not be a conscious decision, but it is the default in so many Korean homes.

That funky yuck I've been describing for months, the strange sadness, is no longer predominant, there is less and less bottom dwelling. I am so appreciative to feel better, happier, not so gloomy. My father whom I was estranged from my entire life, died 2-3 yrs ago, actually I cannot remember when, at a time when my life felt so desolate. It took me years to want to recognize, acknowledge, move through and accept our relationship and his life/ death. Now I finally feel my age, no longer like a 2yr old, not like an 11yr old, not like a teen, not like 21, just 35 years no less.